8 Dec 2011

fuck

2nd guess - oh wait, i already said that - head ache - i said it better before - grow up and blow away - toxemia and atrophy - sounds deadly, does it? it's sickly, i'd say

so, i need food, despite what my stomach says

i don't want to take instruction - fuck instruction - i know you know things, academicians - between me and gee oh dee, well, i think there's something to be said for this dirty cleanliness, and going to my meeting, the original twelve step meeting to do with substance abuse - but there's too much on my mind, plate - i want to slough off these ambitions, to be this great person

holy jesus, apocalyptic gusts of wind - maybe we need a disaster - by the way, that's a dumb thing to say

calcium tums taste lovely, tangy fruit flavoured chalk - tums and eno effervescing powder are the best things in life right now - calcium with sodium citrate in tandem break the back of evil, fill the gaps in my body and mind and soul and right this sinking ship, let's pretend - it'll keep me able to function marginally before the gig i will get through, the audition i won't pass - maybe i won't go - i want to run away, or hide, or both - i want to be somewhere else - i don't want to be entwined - i want to unhook from the gears of this people machine

whatever, just a whim - what i mostly want is some magic and miracle, and money, and the moon - i hate just about everything, my mood is awful as of this writing - it's nice to be able to write about it a bit, though, i haven't done that in a while - i'll write, despite how it sounds, in spite of how mediocre this is - it's a hide hole wallow hollow, but not entirely empty - there's not a lot of hope, there's a hole in the serotonin bucket, or something that feels like that - it's depression, but i can see it's a part of the cycle - i have to live and work with the hole, but some sort of gauzy layer will blow it over in the next sandstorm, and cover the hole in the hydraulic thermodynamics of this machine, and then i won't have to live and work with the hole for another little while - and then it will be there again - i don't have to sleep with the hole though, my dreams bail me out

but they contain the beautiful person i'm on the rocks with, and that's okay, if it's in my dreams, it's okay - my mind is not, though - i'm in a hollow, and i want to be at peace in this hollow for a while, an indefinite period, hibernate - that isn't going to happen of course - of course, just to state the obvious, or make what ought to be obvious obvious, and qualify, and quantify, for insurance purposes, and append every possible permutation of caveat to every clause of the contract, cause everything is contractual and consensual, that's the only sense there is in it, chasing your own tail in hindu modernity, talking yourself out of buying the $100 i-rig

it's sad that i managed to turn spirituality into a dirty word - corruption, cancer - i made words dirty - i MADE everything CONTRIVED - haha

when i tumble out of the hollow, i'll meet life on life's terms halfway with fakery, and say: yeah, there's value in the real, that's where all this good stuff that i can't express in words really is, that's where it lives

the spider plants have gone without water for two extra days - but they'll be alright i guess - piles of things accumulate, obligations i heap on myself - setting myself up... what would happen if i stayed in my living room, and lived, and shrugged everything off? i don't know, it sounds lovely though - a wonderful fantasy - i can die now, or be dead to the world, go into a coma - i've strained and struggled and i haven't come up with NOTHING goddamnit, i've written a very good letter of support for For the Love of Learning to HRLE, so i've been useful that way, and i've pretty much finished that song of Rob's that's been sitting around forever, and he wasn't even expecting me to actually get it done, and it's quality work, and a good legacy, something i did for rob, and myself, and the place i work for, a high note to go out on - sure there's a thousand other projects that are undone, but so fucking what? i took on too much

i want to detach from everything, gee oh dee, i so want to do that - harder to do when there are no drugs allowed in my diet - so be it - i'll say it in my own way, how i want to say it



calcium is delicious

1 Dec 2011

the judicial branch


quite frankly, if i hear the phrase "quite frankly" one more time, i'm going to scream - to give you my judicial branch credentials, i feel like many great things were said, and continue to be said, at the meeting - a certain amount of repetition and cycle is necessary - can you be judicial in return and take it on faith that from my perspective, being the fourth person and fifth wheel, not being acknowledged or looked at, that i'd gotten the gist of the feeling of the meeting an hour ago, and i had the gist before then anyway? i don't know what i can add, not being part of the managerial process - i didn't sign up for the managerial process, and wasn't asked to be part of it - so i get a little antsy at the long long meetings that repeat themselves endlessly, quite frankly - of course it's work, i didn't mean to imply it's not, just that it isn't a very good use of my time, when i'm not asked to be included in any decision-making or agenda-shaping

yes, i could be involved i guess - i guess you expect me to jump in and start skeet-shooting ideas for you to blow away in mid-air, but i'm a thin-skinned mofo, and i don't like having my ideas shot down, unless i think there might be at least one that has a chance of getting through - i have to know that i'm not fractally wrong, and that some effort might pay off eventually - and besides that, i'm a thin-skinned mofo, and i don't know if i know anything, except that

just between me and gee oh dee... and my poor blog - poor god - but god is a much richer entity for having gotten to know me, aren't ye, god? aren't you a lucky god? count your blessings

economics is for shoemakers, i won't place limits on my design - excess lace up stitch up fuckup - ah, mayun, i miss aesthetics, i didn't realize how much until now, feeling the pang, i've gotten the gist of that feeling, no meeting necessary