the heart strings can resonate loudly if i let them... there they go...
i wish i could draw you - that would seem worthwhile, if i had the ability - once upon a time, you let me into your life - i can hardly believe it in retrospect, how did that happen? me of all people - i remember how it felt for a while - like being in heaven - presumably - and that feeling faded and i got complacent in the relationship, as most people do, but it still felt pretty pretty good - it would have worked for me - oh well - i sold my share for credit default swaps, or something, i dunno - this economy confuses me - justin said it makes sense for a while, then the econ textbooks come out of the blue with all this abstract strangitude and you're screwed
there ain't no devil, that's just god when he's drunk - apparently we're not nutty bunnies after all, we're just college guys
fyi, i attempted suicide - not really, but it makes a good story
the kind you can't share with certain people
but strangers, sure, giddeyup!
i'm only as sick as my secrets, someone told me
so i spilled the secrets, but i still felt pretty sick
almost felt like i needed some new secrets to feel a bit better, so i did that
but i still felt sick
my tapeworm doesn't run me, but i run my tapeworm sometimes, for fun, presumably - a fun run, is the idea, i exercise my parasite - but it don't come to no good
clench, relax, clench, relax... clench
cardiovascular masturbation
going up the elevator of perception today, the
eternal moment...
been a long long time since enlightenment - don't feel entitled to it anymore - but a past self could serve as well as a future self - for a role model - i was better then, like everybody - healthy, compared to now, in a lot of ways, although i wouldn't want to bring the naivete of those days to nowadays
i'm seeing nelson's front street in my mind's eye, even feeling nelson's front street in my mind's... whatever it is - our deepest fear is that we are all powerful beyond measure - all-powerful, or we're all powerful? what did nelson mandela mean? hmmm...
i drew a tower stretching into the sky from the perspective of an observer looking upwards, cause i can draw buildings much better than people - it felt alright - i might like to draw a good poster-sized version to put up on my empty walls - something that means something, or that i feel something from, an image - no pattern virtuosity, but a big bold statement of some kind, that's what i need - i also drew a person today, imagine that, who can be clearly seen to be lifting himself off the ground by his own bootstraps - he's actually levitating - i like that drawing - the ridiculousness of it - the impossibility - a cartoon paradox to express my dread and hopes and the confusion of it all
it's pretty okay to work here, when i don't want to yell SHUT THE FUCK UP! at people around me - that happens a lot, but otherwise, it's alright - maybe i need to vent somehow - like by doing this, for example - i got a bad attitude, sometimes - like i wrote this rant about the guy who walks around with earphones blasting pantera so loud that everyone can hear it - i wrote: fuck your music - it stinks of you - i'll gladly grant you ownership - wear it, advertise - be a buffoon - walk around, walk proud, look around to see if anyone is recognizing your coolness - rest assured, they are, how could they not, with music that cool? and it reflects your coolness for choosing it, like it's an identity - i remember when i was ten, i empathize
then i wrote: "presumption on all sides", to admit how presumptuous i was being about people's motivations and thoughts and such - i was sitting at a table with a bunch of people at the love of learning center - well-read people in dire straights, intelligent people - i couldn't presume any kind of superiority in anything, really - "everyone is better", i wrote - "but right now i've got no patience to listen to people who aren't addicts, or who say they're not, drug-a-logging about the crazy shit they used to do... byee..." i don't know how to spell that newfoundlandism, where they say a heavily-accented "boy" to finish every sentence
i drew a cloud bank regressing to the horizon behind the tower -
reminded me of that drawing i did with a girl that i had a thing with
years ago... and she wrote a song about it too, "my dragonfly" - so i
wrote "no shrine" - i'm not building a shrine to anyone, though i do
write about people from the past quite often, usually in codes
no, there's no crak on junk street and that's okay, it's a peaceful day, i've made peace with that, in my way, which is half-assed, but that's better than no ass - you know, i can't live with myself like this - i can't live like this with myself - there's a better place for me - i don't have to die first - there's a tower - writing these words is a first step
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