4 Nov 2010

act as if

What to do now, rearrange the deck chairs? I'm unimpressed with it all, it's unimpressed with me, fair deal I guess.

If the big one really hit now, I would probably realize it was real and that I wasn't tripping, in that instinctive way organisms respond to calamity, and would therefore assume my role as scurrying lowly survivor, begging for scraps from the universe. I can check reality and stand outside it, or at least reach outside it, and call that periphery home, illusionary safety, can one get away with it, until nothingness?

"Came to believe" in the void...
"Act as if" anyway?
"Restored to sanity"... by the void?

What if belief in nothing is the greatest leap of faith, the one gripped tight with such unconscious fervor that the mind won't see it as belief? Belief in nothing, a positive belief in the negative, a need to believe so deep that the mind will create a shield of wishful thoughts as decoys, to mask the fundamental desire for a void, to pretend that it's a reality, instead of a desire. Ha, talk about wishful thoughts. Think about wish and talk. Walk to work or play at work.

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