7 Sep 2009

sheesh

look at me... hiding - trying to bury the evidence, trying to pretend i didn't write that

why can't i just stand by my debauched writing? well, because i've been hyping this trying to get clean thing - and it's time for me to grow up - debauched me served a vital purpose, for many years, but he's standing in my way - how can i be so sane and rational and still succumb so often, betray everyone, lie, lie, lie? i gotta at least tell the truth, on my blog, or grate off a slice, anyway

i don't like debauched me anymore, i like the person i am when i'm staying clean - i can feel occasional justified anger instead of guilt guilt guilt - it's so much better - why do i trick myself into thrill-seeking drudgery? i don't know - i can only say, i'll get where i want to be, but i can't say when - it would be folly to trust me - one day i'll regain a reputation - i'll clean floors at crossroads, i'll study counselling, i'll learn people skills

maybe one of my ex girlfriends will write back, that would be a nice surprise - i promise not to be bitter - either way - i'm past that now - will i have to hide from this too? maybe - man, i just want mercy - some place to chill

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